The last Journal I wrote is over a year ago. Honestly, I dont know where to start from the last one I wrote at my 23rd birhtday. This year was in fact the worst that I had in my entire life. I wrote that I would start feeling old and when I think about it now I must have known that deep inside me was something wrong.
When I got my Cancer diagnosis a little later, my first thought was...
Ok, now its over! Its fucking over. Pack your shit, get in your car and drive up to the northsea wating for things to come. Gladfully I decided to talk to my better half and family who were the reason I decided to stay and fight against everything that was supposed to come.
Time went slow...
I had surgery, chemo therapy and alot of time to think about my life.
The 7 stages of grief took on me:
1) Shock and denial
2) Pain and guilt
3) Anger and bargaining
4) Depression, reflection and loneliness
5) The upward turn
6) Reconstruction and working through
7) Acceptance and hope
I wont talk about the shit in all specificity. That doesnt belong here I guess.
If I havent had someone at my side helping me to get through this I think I wouldnt be here anymore. Thank god I have Tina, my mom, my brother and all of my friends who visited me in hospital, asking if Im well, helping me not to forget that there is something in life to fight for.
Today Im still dealing with depression but there are moments I really feel happy to be here, seeing alot of nice comments for my work I did before.
Im talking about you deviantart members aswell.
I currently have about 1250 notices in my inbox of people who faved my work or wrote nice comments (And those are just from the last few months).
Even though I lost my job because I wasnt able to come up with the proper passion for it I still feel that I have to go on.
Getting back into my own work is very hard of course.
At the moment I dont know where to start. Its quite complicated.
Its like sitting in front of a white canvas and not having a vision of what to put on it. Everything that moved me before has been replaced by other feelings Im still having problems to sort out.
I need time. Time I think I dont have cause I learned that life is way too short to sit around and wait for something to happen.
But Im facing that I need that time to get back on track.
Maybe some of you are up for a chat or something. It helps talking about it...
Also Im playing alot of Modern Warfare 2 and Battlefield Bad Company 2 on my ps3. Give me your User ID if your up for a little fight
So, I just wrote this journal quickly to get back to the people having an eye on me around here. Its not easy for me to write not in my mother tongue so forgive me any mistakes I made or things I probably left out haha.
Its too much to write it all down. If there is something you want to know just ask me about it. I dont have any fear to talk about it. No question is any wrong..